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A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. ... |
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
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Why dont violists play hide and seek? ... |
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
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Whats the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky? ... |
What's the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky?
I-75.
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Why do men break wind more than women? ... |
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by ...
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A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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There are four kinds of sex: ... |
There are four kinds of sex:
HOUSE SEX: You and your spouse are newlyweds and you fuck all over the house.
BEDROOM SEX: You and your spouse have been married for a few years, have settled down, and only fuck in the bedroom.
HALL SEX: You and your spouse have been married for fifteen years and say, "Fuck you!" when you pass in the hall.
COURTROOM SEX: You and your spouse have been married for twenty years, your spouse's lawyer fucks you out of everything you've got.
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Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two- ... |
"Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery."
"Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into
the night."
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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your ...
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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
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How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? ... |
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) None. real computer geeks prefer LEDs.
2) None. It's a hardware problem!
3) Just one. But the house falls down.
4) Two. One resigns halfway through the project.
5) 10. One to change the bulb and one to explain binary.
6) Is this a dynamically allocated light bulb?
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PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts every day. ...
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PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts every day. | |
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